If your child has any kind of special need, they could face different challenges to most of their peers. On top of that, because everyone is unique, they are also likely to face different challenges to young people with the same diagnosis. This means that being the mum, dad, carer or guardian of a young person with SEN can be bewildering, exhausting and usually requires extra amounts of effort and understanding.
Even so, there are tools and techniques to make parenting these youngsters a bit easier says psychotherapist Kyra Hall-Gelly, Co-Director of Neurotribe, an organisation that specialises in offering therapy to neurodiverse people and their families. A number of the therapists working there are also parents of kids with autism, ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia.
Parents Also Need to Take Care of Themselves
“Being a parent-carer can be incredibly hard because we are witnessing our young people face such challenges in a system not designed for them,” she offers. “We often face institutional gaslighting from schools, stonewalling from council services, limitations to our earning capacity (which can bring family and relationship pressures), social isolation, long waiting lists for support services, heaps of complex paperwork, and often, tribunals! All of this can be exhausting, anxiety-causing, infuriating and devastatingly sad.”
Getting on with everyday life on top of all this, she adds, can leave families with no time or inclination to care for themselves – though finding a way to do so can be hugely beneficial. “Having a therapeutic space for ourselves, where we can be honest about our frustrations, fatigue, feelings and struggles, with a therapist who understands the unique struggles and forms of marginalization parent-carers often face, and can celebrate our wins with us as well, does wonders for a parent-child relationship. It helps us avoid burnout, manage chronic stress, and therefore over time, have more energy and patience to attend to our kids’ emotional needs.”
Making Family Life Easier
At home, family life can run more smoothly if parents create opportunities for children to share their thoughts, Kyra continues. “We used to go for regular walks along the river with our children. If a ‘meaningful’ conversation emerged, great! If not, then it was just a lovely time together to explore the world around us.”
It is also a good idea, she says, for parents to own up to their own emotions. “Instead of ‘You make me feel X”, “I notice I’m feeling X” is always much better and models self-responsibility to our kids,” she elaborates. “Saying ‘I notice’ can also help us to take a step back from our emotion a little bit. We will fail miserably at this sometimes! Owning our failures too, is even better! (Even with all my therapy education, I often fail on all counts with my own family!)”
Creating Security and Trust
Colleague and fellow-psychotherapist Ali Rabjohns has a favourite quote from the German philosopher Goethe which she considers when she works with neurodiverse youngsters –
‘I believe that everyone has a purpose… treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of being.’
“Like anyone, when young people with special needs feel safe and supported, in a calm, warm and friendly environment, then it’s easier for them to listen, feel heard and validated,” she says.
“Imagine meeting yourself: how do you come across to both children and adults when meeting or talking to them? Think about your body language, voice tone and facial expression. These are all as important as the words you use. How would you want to be greeted? How would you want your child to be treated?”
Sensory Needs and Communication
Ali adds that creating an atmosphere of understanding, empathy, acceptance and safety in the home is crucial in encouraging neurodiverse youngsters and those with SEND to communicate. Bringing in sensory elements such as sound, visual language, movement and touch can also help.
“Working side-by-side together on an artistic project is a wonderful way of being at eye level with another,” she goes on. “Anything that encourages rhythmic movement, like working with clay, gathering natural treasures outside, or walking in nature helps us to shift into a new state of power, safety and calm.”
Daily and weekly routines – with visual timetables for kids that like them – can minimise surprises and help neurodivergent children to feel secure, Ali continues. “The process of creating a routine might include thinking about mobile phone use at certain times, or regulating screen time. Good bedtime routines, household chores, cooking together and healthy rhythms that make living together easier and more enjoyable for everyone. Everyone can participate to a certain degree and this will help your young person gain independence.”
